Poker Chips [DRAFT]
Oct. 26th, 2005 08:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yesthattomI’m glad that people with fatigue-related disabilities have found the spoons theory to help them explain to others how they feel. It really helped me understand what my friends are going through.
However, while it was invented as a way to describe how you feel to someone that isn’t in your position, I’ve seen people have started to use it as a way to describe their life, and use it as an excuse to give up. I believe that this will continue until an equally powerful, but positive, analogy for life comes along.
So let me share with you the one that I use.
We all doubt our ability to succeed. While I may be an extrovert, I have had terrible problems with self-doubt. Problems that have handicapped me, paralyzed me, and held me back like a big iron chain.
The opposite of self-doubt is self-esteem. Self-esteem is like a stack of poker chips. If you are playing poker and you only have a few chips you can only make small bets. This means you can’t win a lot of money. In fact, you’ll have to fold more often rather than risk losing your last chip. When you have a lot of chips, you can make big bets that pay off big. You can take risks. You can try things that you wouldn’t have tried when you had few chips. You can win big!
When we have little self-esteem, we are more likely to give up or not even try. Without trying, we are never in the position to succeed. Thus we do not. When we have high self-esteem, we’re more willing to take risks and therefore put ourselves in a position to have the opportunity to win.
Understand why self-esteem is like a big pile of poker chips?
Here’s the magic: The “poker chips of self-esteem” only exist in your head and in your head you can create more!
In poker the chips are real, physical objects. You can’t just twinkle your nose and make poker chips appear. On the other hand, in life you can do any kind of ritual you want to magically make more poker chips appear. My mantra of “sooner is better than later” gives me the poker chips to overcome procrastination. A hug from someone you love magically makes more chips appear. The quiet support of a friend helping you to sit down and read this book makes more chips appear. Therapy is all about increasing your poker chips. If shouting out loud, “Yes, I can!” makes more poker chips, then shout all you want.
The next time you feel like giving up, wiggle your nose, make the be-witched sound-effect, and visualize your tiny pile of poker chips growing, growing, growing, growing... then yell, “Yes, I can!” and try harder!
However, while it was invented as a way to describe how you feel to someone that isn’t in your position, I’ve seen people have started to use it as a way to describe their life, and use it as an excuse to give up. I believe that this will continue until an equally powerful, but positive, analogy for life comes along.
So let me share with you the one that I use.
We all doubt our ability to succeed. While I may be an extrovert, I have had terrible problems with self-doubt. Problems that have handicapped me, paralyzed me, and held me back like a big iron chain.
The opposite of self-doubt is self-esteem. Self-esteem is like a stack of poker chips. If you are playing poker and you only have a few chips you can only make small bets. This means you can’t win a lot of money. In fact, you’ll have to fold more often rather than risk losing your last chip. When you have a lot of chips, you can make big bets that pay off big. You can take risks. You can try things that you wouldn’t have tried when you had few chips. You can win big!
When we have little self-esteem, we are more likely to give up or not even try. Without trying, we are never in the position to succeed. Thus we do not. When we have high self-esteem, we’re more willing to take risks and therefore put ourselves in a position to have the opportunity to win.
Understand why self-esteem is like a big pile of poker chips?
Here’s the magic: The “poker chips of self-esteem” only exist in your head and in your head you can create more!
In poker the chips are real, physical objects. You can’t just twinkle your nose and make poker chips appear. On the other hand, in life you can do any kind of ritual you want to magically make more poker chips appear. My mantra of “sooner is better than later” gives me the poker chips to overcome procrastination. A hug from someone you love magically makes more chips appear. The quiet support of a friend helping you to sit down and read this book makes more chips appear. Therapy is all about increasing your poker chips. If shouting out loud, “Yes, I can!” makes more poker chips, then shout all you want.
The next time you feel like giving up, wiggle your nose, make the be-witched sound-effect, and visualize your tiny pile of poker chips growing, growing, growing, growing... then yell, “Yes, I can!” and try harder!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2005-10-27 01:04 am (UTC)I like the general idea, but a different object wouldn't derail the concept nearly as badly for me.
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Date: 2005-10-27 01:23 am (UTC)Using poker chips in the metaphor is something I've seen shrinks use for a while. The first time I heard it was in 1994ish... but for all I know they've been using it for decades.
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Date: 2005-10-27 01:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 12:04 pm (UTC)However, if you have a bad hand, you're tempted to drop your hand. See, the metaphor dissolves here because if you have a bad hand you SHOULDN'T stay in the game. But assuming the goal is to stay in the game. . . .you bluff.
"Fake it 'till you make it" is common with self-esteem issues. That's what this is. When all you have is a high card, you can still hedge your bets, because you still have the river / the draw, and you'll never know what you'll get.
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Date: 2005-10-27 01:19 am (UTC)The poker chip explanation is fun, and I'm glad you're counteracting the negative effects of spoon theory on the general population. You rock.
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Date: 2005-10-27 01:22 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked it. The text actually appears in my next book, slightly edited.
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Date: 2005-10-27 01:32 am (UTC)I should get my book mid-november, because I pre-ordered the new James Patterson, and told them to ship together to get free shipping.
Seriously though, I think the positive message of the poker chips idea trumps any insensitivity that someone may feel from it. Rule #62 is "Don't take yourself too damned seriously", and its extremely important when dealing with things like FMS, CFS, CFIDS, Gulf War syndrome, MS, MD, Lupus, Rheumatoid and other autoimmune arthritis conditions, Lyme Disease, Diabetes, Cancer and the like, any chronic illness that causes pain and fatigue, some of which can be life threatening as well, you need a sense of humour and a positive outlook to survive. Thanks, I didn't see it as insensitive, I saw it as inspirational, and amusing, and in the end a real posotive way of dealing with things that can be difficult, and that includes some of the above illnesses.
Hmmm
Date: 2005-10-27 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 02:24 am (UTC)On a tangent, one thing that's very interesting to me since I've decided to work on a CS degree is how many people -- some of them people I just *assumed* would be unconditionally supportive -- have popped up to say "are you sure you think you can do this?" It really is surprising how many people seem to be really unsettled by my having set this goal for myself instead of something softer and easier.
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Date: 2005-10-27 03:35 am (UTC)Going for your CS degree is going to open a lot of doors for you. That's a wonderful step. Sure it will be difficult... anything worth doing is. You have a lot of excellent real-world experience that is really going to give you a boost above other students. Good luck!
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Date: 2005-10-27 03:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 12:13 pm (UTC)I'm constantly amazed at how many people devalue my partner for living his dream. So I'm supporting him, while he tries to make a career out of slight-of-hand card magic.
What ever happened to the "follow your dreams, even if it isn't the practical thing to do?" mentality of, oh, EVERY kids movie?
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Date: 2005-10-27 04:14 am (UTC):-(
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Date: 2005-10-27 01:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 01:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 10:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-27 05:10 pm (UTC)1. For what it's worth, you hide your lack of self-esteem very well. In all the time I've known you, I never had any inkling that you had any self-doubt; you've always seemed very sure, even to the point of arrogance sometimes.
2. As someone else said, I don't believe it's quite as simple as you say to just magic yourself up some extra self-esteem. As another who's struggled with self-doubt for most of my life, I've never been able to conjure it up that easily.
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Date: 2005-10-27 06:56 pm (UTC)2. Alone, I don't think it's possible to "just magic yourself up some extra self-esteem" (I love that phrase, by the way). There are things we can do to help the process: the supportive words of a SO, taking a shower (always makes me feel better), repeating a postive mantra so our brain isn't listening to our negative inner-voice, opening up a email folder where you save all the compliments you've received and reading some, yelling "I can do it!" at the top of your lungs (not recommend in an office environment), listening to "psyche music", etc.
I often think about the charactor that Denzel Washington played in Philadelphia where he keeps repeating to himself, "Every problem has a solution." By repeating that mantra, it doesn't give his brain time to think the negative thoughts that would let him give up.
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Date: 2005-10-27 08:05 pm (UTC)I curse you to spend one hour feeling the pain I feel every day.
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Date: 2005-10-27 11:04 pm (UTC)I am not as fully supportive of some of the more quixotic (or at least less well planned) dreams I see people trying to achieve around me as I could be, either. For example, for a while I was dating someone who had been out of work for some time and would only interview for CTO-level jobs, even though his connections and experience weren't really up to the task of bringing him high-quality, funded start-ups. I think, though, that if I didn't feel I was pragmatic (and non-naggingly honest about it) with friends and SOs I wouldn't have as much confidence in my own plans.
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Date: 2005-10-27 11:04 pm (UTC)