My first thought was, "yeah, does he just use being bi as a way to get into a lot of womens' pants?"
Which, btw, has nothing to do with you, Tom -- it was my mind's snide mental response to the comment, not to your sexual identity.
On a more serious note, I agree with what you (Tom) said below -- I think being out as bisexual requires more ongoing effort than being out as gay/lesbian.
I claim that I'm not out. There have been many times in the last year or two that I've learned that someone thought I was gay or straight.
Pat at Usenix flipped when she learned that this gay guy she'd been flirting with was bisexual. How did she learn? Someone told her that I was celebrating my divorce being finalized. She thought they were joking because... how could Tom be married since he is gay.
My CEO was informed that I was on CNN in Sept 2001 talking about bisexuality. (the feedback that made it back to me was he was disappointed that I wasn't wearing a company t-shirt... we need all the PR we can get). When there was a homophobic situation being reported, I used the phrase "since I'm bisexual". He was all "what? oh, I didn't know!"
People on various email lists often are surprised to find out my orientation.
Gay and lesbian leaders that I deal with can't imagine me being with women.
Of course, there's the fact that I'm currently in a relationship with 2 women, and my previous boyfriend had a vagina.
Honestly Tom, I've always looked to people like you as prime examples of outness. If you think about it, people like you, like Ben, like cappyhead have been integral parts of my understanding my own bi-identity, each in your own way, and you're all very very out. I've never thought of myself as being as out as you are, and have often been awed by your presence. Okay, so part of me wants to be like you in that regard...to really feel like I'm doing something. Which I don't. I honestly feel kind of distant from the bi world.
My .sig file from my primary e-mail addres says I'm bisexual. My co-workers know (as I'm the token bi in the office, which is fun. I get to answer questions, I get to be told "I never believed in it before you," (just like faries, right tinkerbell?) and "I never knew anyone bisexual before," and things like that. I get asked about whether I like men or women better, about monogamy, you name it I get asked-"appropriate" or "inappropriate" (the boundaries of which are pretty loose at work.) Admittedly, I like that I work in a place where someone asked me, point blank, "how do you identify." But unless you can find a way to reach every person in the world, there's always going to be someone who doesn't know.
I had a chance to rant publically at work about being bisexual...about not fitting either with my straight co-workers or with my gay ones. And you know, there's a part of me that LIKES sliding back and forth easily, that knows that because I don't appear dykey (most of the time) that it works to my advantage, when I have to negotiate with sites for work, when I have to go to some places, when I'm in public. At the same time, I often get overlooked in other places cause I don't appear to be a woman-loving-woman.
I float back and forth between "gay" worlds and "straight" worlds. But where is my place? And that's what I admire about you Tom...that you seem to have a presence in the bi world, while I'm still searching for it.
I'm straight, and make no effort at all to hide it, but since I also don't make any particular effort to inform people of it, I find that occasionally I do "come out" as straight. Sometimes even to whole groups of people who I'd been hanging out with for a long time. Would you consider me a "closeted straight" on those grounds?
You're about as "out" as it is possible to be, IMO. If you're not out, then nobody is. Which, perhaps, is your point.
"[Bill Koch is] a man whose closet is free of skeletons in large part because they all seem to be turning somersaults in his living room." -- Vanity Fair writer Bryan Burrough
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 05:22 pm (UTC)*snort*
Date: 2002-10-12 08:21 am (UTC)Which, btw, has nothing to do with you, Tom -- it was my mind's snide mental response to the comment, not to your sexual identity.
On a more serious note, I agree with what you (Tom) said below -- I think being out as bisexual requires more ongoing effort than being out as gay/lesbian.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-14 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 05:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 06:37 pm (UTC)I'm "out"?
Date: 2002-10-11 08:23 pm (UTC)Pat at Usenix flipped when she learned that this gay guy she'd been flirting with was bisexual. How did she learn? Someone told her that I was celebrating my divorce being finalized. She thought they were joking because... how could Tom be married since he is gay.
My CEO was informed that I was on CNN in Sept 2001 talking about bisexuality. (the feedback that made it back to me was he was disappointed that I wasn't wearing a company t-shirt... we need all the PR we can get). When there was a homophobic situation being reported, I used the phrase "since I'm bisexual". He was all "what? oh, I didn't know!"
People on various email lists often are surprised to find out my orientation.
Gay and lesbian leaders that I deal with can't imagine me being with women.
Of course, there's the fact that I'm currently in a relationship with 2 women, and my previous boyfriend had a vagina.
Me out? Be serious!
--Tom
Re: I'm "out"?
Date: 2002-10-12 11:27 am (UTC)My .sig file from my primary e-mail addres says I'm bisexual. My co-workers know (as I'm the token bi in the office, which is fun. I get to answer questions, I get to be told "I never believed in it before you," (just like faries, right tinkerbell?) and "I never knew anyone bisexual before," and things like that. I get asked about whether I like men or women better, about monogamy, you name it I get asked-"appropriate" or "inappropriate" (the boundaries of which are pretty loose at work.) Admittedly, I like that I work in a place where someone asked me, point blank, "how do you identify." But unless you can find a way to reach every person in the world, there's always going to be someone who doesn't know.
I had a chance to rant publically at work about being bisexual...about not fitting either with my straight co-workers or with my gay ones. And you know, there's a part of me that LIKES sliding back and forth easily, that knows that because I don't appear dykey (most of the time) that it works to my advantage, when I have to negotiate with sites for work, when I have to go to some places, when I'm in public. At the same time, I often get overlooked in other places cause I don't appear to be a woman-loving-woman.
I float back and forth between "gay" worlds and "straight" worlds. But where is my place? And that's what I admire about you Tom...that you seem to have a presence in the bi world, while I'm still searching for it.
Re: I'm "out"?
Date: 2002-10-14 07:32 pm (UTC)You're about as "out" as it is possible to be, IMO. If you're not out, then nobody is. Which, perhaps, is your point.
"[Bill Koch is] a man whose closet is free of skeletons in large part because they all seem to be turning somersaults in his living room."
-- Vanity Fair writer Bryan Burrough
no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 08:00 pm (UTC):D
A.