Mac Predictions

[yesthattom]

Next week is the big Mac conference, so it’s time for everyone to make their predictions. So far everyone’s predictions are pretty lame. They either are what anyone with a beta of the new OS knows (but isn’t supposed to say), or based on complete fiction. I figure I can do that too, so I present to you my second annual Mac Predictions:

• Powerful laptop -- Other companies brag about how fast their computer is that it can be used in the human genome project to do huge calculations. Apple will introduce a laptop so powerful, that it will take your DNA sample directly and produce PCRs and other genetic test results in less than an hour!



• iPhone -- Yes, they will release something called an iPhone. However, it won’t actually do anything related to telephony. It will be a new ice cream product line with flavors like Woznicolate, and PowerPecan, and iTunesBrickel.



• iPorn -- So far only Disney is selling full-length movies on iTunes, but I assure you that it has nothing to do with the fact that Jobs owns Pixar. This year they will announce 4 major movie studios are joining the iTunes craze. Sadly, it’s not Paramount, Universal and so on. It will be the pornographic companies The Dark Brothers, Vivid, Wicked, and Lions Gate Entertainment.



• OS X Leopard joke -- This is the OS release that completes the transition to Intel chips. So far everyone in the world has figured out the joke (”a leopard CAN change its spots!” ha ha ha plop). but Steve Jobs hasn’t actually said it on stage. My prediction is that he WILL say it on stage, and the one person in the audience that didn’t already guess the punchline will laugh so hard everyone will look at him, he’ll be embarrassed, etc. etc. Hopefully someone will video tape it and put it on YouTube.



• Steve Jobs will say, “Wait, there’s more” or “wait there’s something else” or “oh, and one more thing” or whatever it is that he always says that gets geeks so hot. For some reason people look forward to this with such, um, lookforwardtoness that when he actually uses the line multiple people in the audience actually ejaculate. It’s pretty freaky. Luckily they never aim the camera at the audience when he says this. Now you know why.’



• iTV -- Wait. He revealed a box, said the code name was iTV but that when they release it they’ll have come up with a new name for it. He didn’t say what it did. Well, here’s what it does: It makes it impossible for startups working on Tivo-competitors to get any funding for 6 months. That’s what it does. My prediction: At the end of the event he won’t have said anything about iTV yet. Right before the event is done someone will walk out on stage and ask, “But Steve, isn’t there one more thing?” Steve will reply, “No”. (and you’ll notice the cameras won’t be pointed at the audience at this point, because the director will be afraid that premature ejaculators will have spumed at the hope that Steve would use the phrase). Then the guy will ask, “But what about iTV?”. Steve Jobs will pause. Look at into the camera. And say, “Ah, I was just fucking with ya!” Credits roll. End of event. (No, I’m serious. I bet it will happen.)

Unlike everyone else’s predictions, I know that mine will be 100%.

(Disclaimer: I’m an avid Mac fan, I have 4 in my house right now as I speak!)

Comments

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

best. predictions. EVER.

[sachmet.livejournal.com]

it will take your DNA sample directly and produce PCRs and other genetic test results in less than an hour!

Is that the famous Maury chip everyone's talking about?

Leopard date?

[rationalfool.livejournal.com]

So, should I continue to wait to buy my MacBook in the hope of getting Leopard for free? Or not?

Re: Leopard date?

[yesthattom.livejournal.com]

Buy it now. It isn't going to ship until Spring '07. (Unless the big surprise next week is that they're shipping it immediately)

Re: Leopard date?

[rationalfool.livejournal.com]

Yes, I am hoping that's the surprise... or at least one of the surprises.