Tom's Poly Update

[yesthattom]

Today the four of us (my two sweeties, and one sweetie's housemate/lifepartner) had our first official "check-in". It was slow to start, and we didn't cover a lot of ground, but we did set up ground rules for future discussions and figure out that we should do this on the first Sunday of every month. We also talked a lot about how we define "family", and if that's what we're building here.

There were some really positive revealations:

1. Much stress has been removed by having a routine rather than struggling every week to work out a calendar. That is, Ying and I have our date night on Wednesday; Yang and I have our date night on Thursday; Friday night is "Yang and Pang" alone and "Ying and Tom" alone night. Saturday night is Yang and Tom, unless either of us are busy (which we often are). Ok, that sounds complicated, but its actually quite simple: Wed is my night with Ying, Thurs is my night with Yang, Friday night we spend with the "other" partner, and Saturday night is sort of up in the air. Oh, and Sunday night we get together to watch Six Feet Under at my place.

2. Things are generally working out well.

3. Yang is giving birth at the end of the month, and it looks like the combined "I can spend a day with Yang" volunteers totals up to nearly a month.

4. We're all pretty happy with our arrangements.

In other news, my and my 2 SOs had a dialog on Saturday about figuring out how much time we all want with each other and how much time we need alone. It was really difficult to ask for what I need. I felt odd saying, "I want to see a movie, in a theater." and that being at odds with Yang saying "I don't want to see a movie. I want to spend tonight with Tom, or just be alone." It was painful to realize that the resolution would be for Yang to be home alone, however that was one of her acceptable options, so that's what we did. The world didn't explode and we all were able to do something we wanted to do. (Ying and I saw "Dare Devil"... it rocked). This relates to the "communicating your needs" message I posted recently. I was in a situation where asking for my needs was very difficult, and I had to remind myself that "that's a signal that this is the important time to ask for your needs!"

I'm rambling. Sorry. The outcome is that everything went really well.

Comments

[whoa-ur-ugly.livejournal.com]

I asked you already, but can you please take me off your list?

[yesthattom.livejournal.com]

I've removed ya. Sorry for not logging in for 12 hours in a row.

Re:

[whoa-ur-ugly.livejournal.com]

It's aight. I'll let it go this time. :P

[emmett-the-sane.livejournal.com]

The threaded conversation above is too odd for my brain to comprehend, so I'll pretend it doesn't exist.

I have a really hard time asking for my needs in front of people who aren't as generally easygoing. I ran into this for the past several months, where in a secondary relationship I was just more and more stressed, because the lover's needs were stated so strongly that I never felt mine were important. Eventually, I didn't know myself what I wanted, except peace, to avoid people getting furious because their needs weren't met. So I gave all of myself, reserving nothing. It was just awful.

It sounds like you walk that line, but you either have an easygoing circle all round, or you force yourself to put your needs out there, no matter how insignifigant they may seem in the face of the rest. Either way, more power to ya!

[yesthattom.livejournal.com]

It's the "force yourself" one.

(when I don't chicken out!)

-Tom

Re: This comment isn't related to ur entry but........

[yesthattom.livejournal.com]

Maybe a chart would be more useful.

Partner:	Alias:	Housemate:
A	Yang	Pang
B	Ying	None

Note that the -ang people are housemates.
The Y- people are my sweeties.

My partners are equal, I use "A" and "B" just to differentiate them.

[puzzld1.livejournal.com]

hugs and kudos and bags of respect for healthy sane poly negotiation! It can be soooo hard, but it is so necessary and worth it. It can be downright scary to hold ones ground about their own needs. I tend to be "whatever makes you happy dear" AND that never works! It is also validating for me to hear that others are having these sorts of dialogs. For me add two kids (mine and a sweetie's) and stir....yee hah!