Comedy

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“Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack. Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I’ll call it off.” --Conan O’Brien

“According to a new book, when President Bush was on National Guard duty he would sometimes sneak off to smoke marijuana and snort cocaine. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘That’s ridiculous. I never showed up for National Guard duty.’” --Conan O’Brien

”Here’s good news: Former President Bill Clinton is wide awake and alert. I wish we could say the same for our current president.” --David Letterman

“A record made by a band that John Kerry was in during college has been bought for $2,500. Yeah, meanwhile, the White House said that President Bush was in a college band, but that all the records have been lost.” --Conan O’Brien

“According to the latest poll, Ralph Nader is down to 1 percent of the popular vote. That’s embarrassing, 1 percent! He’s even trailing low fat milk; that’s 2 percent!” --Jay Leno

And thanks to Sue Trowbridge, here’s some Talk Show Guest lineups (a little late):

Al Franken, Letterman, 9/14 (r)
Reverend Al Sharpton, Carson, 9/14
Bill Maher, Carson, 9/16
Bill Clinton, Letterman, 9/17 (r)
Jon Stewart, Leno, 9/20
Jon Stewart, Ellen, 9/21

DAILY SHOW
Mo 9/13: Drew Barrymore
Tu 9/14: Pat Buchanan
We 9/15: Alec Baldwin
Th 9/16: Gwyneth Paltrow