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New Hampshire Results
Jan. 11th, 2012 06:44 amNEW HAMPSHIRE RESULTS
First Place: Mitt "I abused my dog" Romney -- Well the party insiders are doing well at maintaining their candidate. The D.C. insider "conventional wisdom" is that it is "Mitt's turn". Sadly he lies constantly and everyone knows it, is stiffer than Gore, conservatives hate him and fundamentalists consider his religion "a cult".
Second Place: Ron Paul. If gay people dream of moving to the utopia that is San Francisco, Libertarians dream of moving to New Hampshire. So, of course he did well here. But... wait... it is an "open primary" which means you don't have to be a Republican to vote it the Republican primary here. So it is estimated that nearly 50% of voters weren't Republican. And he got a distant second? Did you know there is a webcrawler that finds new webpages on the internet that mention Ron Paul and post automated pro-Paul propaganda if there is a comments section? I guess that strategy didn't win the votes people expected.
Third Place: Huntsman. His "I'm the only non-crazy person running" theme is doing well with the voters. I actually like this guy... except that he's so anti-choice that he makes... hmm... damn, I need a good analogy here. I bet Archer would have the perfect thing to say. I actually think this guy is the only person that would have a chance at beating Obama.
Fourth Place: Newt Gingrich. Sadly the SuperPACs he is running against him used what could only be described as "political hate speech" in a flood of TV adverts and that really hurt him. "Political Hate Speech" is a recent thing. It didn't exist 20-30 years ago. It was invented in the 1990s by a guy who not just invented it, but he wrote about it and gave private Republican-only trainings on how to do it. He said "every time there is a camera in front of you call your opponent a traitor and un-American". Fellow Republicans that refused his advice were scolded and called "old fashioned" and were pushed from the party. Sadly that guy was basically kicked out of the party in a financial scandal combined with an adultery scandal. What ever happened to that guy? Oh wait, it was Newt Gingrich! Gosh, blow-back is a bitch!
Fifth Place: Santorum. If you hate everyone, you'll love Santorum. Especially if you hate gays... well, not all gays, just the ones that are going to destroy the world because they want Marriage Equality.
Sixth Place: Perry. Remember when he joined the race and conservatives said he's a clone of George Bush, Jr. and would go all the way? With 1% of the vote, why is he even staying in the race?
There ya have it.
Oh wait...
You may have noticed that I mentioned that Mitt Romney abused his dog. Was that unfair? He did strap his dog to the top of his car and drive from Mass to Canada at 60-70 miles per hour "as punishment for what the dog had done". That has about as much to do with whether or not he'd be a good president as the fact that Obama's middle name is "Hussein". So, we should only mention this dog thing as often as Republicans mentioned that Obama's middle name is Hussein... right? Oh wait, they gave Obama's full name every... fucking... time... they... could while on the campaign trail.
First Place: Mitt "I abused my dog" Romney -- Well the party insiders are doing well at maintaining their candidate. The D.C. insider "conventional wisdom" is that it is "Mitt's turn". Sadly he lies constantly and everyone knows it, is stiffer than Gore, conservatives hate him and fundamentalists consider his religion "a cult".
Second Place: Ron Paul. If gay people dream of moving to the utopia that is San Francisco, Libertarians dream of moving to New Hampshire. So, of course he did well here. But... wait... it is an "open primary" which means you don't have to be a Republican to vote it the Republican primary here. So it is estimated that nearly 50% of voters weren't Republican. And he got a distant second? Did you know there is a webcrawler that finds new webpages on the internet that mention Ron Paul and post automated pro-Paul propaganda if there is a comments section? I guess that strategy didn't win the votes people expected.
Third Place: Huntsman. His "I'm the only non-crazy person running" theme is doing well with the voters. I actually like this guy... except that he's so anti-choice that he makes... hmm... damn, I need a good analogy here. I bet Archer would have the perfect thing to say. I actually think this guy is the only person that would have a chance at beating Obama.
Fourth Place: Newt Gingrich. Sadly the SuperPACs he is running against him used what could only be described as "political hate speech" in a flood of TV adverts and that really hurt him. "Political Hate Speech" is a recent thing. It didn't exist 20-30 years ago. It was invented in the 1990s by a guy who not just invented it, but he wrote about it and gave private Republican-only trainings on how to do it. He said "every time there is a camera in front of you call your opponent a traitor and un-American". Fellow Republicans that refused his advice were scolded and called "old fashioned" and were pushed from the party. Sadly that guy was basically kicked out of the party in a financial scandal combined with an adultery scandal. What ever happened to that guy? Oh wait, it was Newt Gingrich! Gosh, blow-back is a bitch!
Fifth Place: Santorum. If you hate everyone, you'll love Santorum. Especially if you hate gays... well, not all gays, just the ones that are going to destroy the world because they want Marriage Equality.
Sixth Place: Perry. Remember when he joined the race and conservatives said he's a clone of George Bush, Jr. and would go all the way? With 1% of the vote, why is he even staying in the race?
There ya have it.
Oh wait...
You may have noticed that I mentioned that Mitt Romney abused his dog. Was that unfair? He did strap his dog to the top of his car and drive from Mass to Canada at 60-70 miles per hour "as punishment for what the dog had done". That has about as much to do with whether or not he'd be a good president as the fact that Obama's middle name is "Hussein". So, we should only mention this dog thing as often as Republicans mentioned that Obama's middle name is Hussein... right? Oh wait, they gave Obama's full name every... fucking... time... they... could while on the campaign trail.
